Altar-ation

A dimly lit lamp
in the corner solely
lighting a book of poetry
stained with tears, still damp

inside: pouring rain--
outside the window,
the wind blows
rattling the pane

in a procession--
as a roaring crowd,
beckoning loud-ly
the call of participation.

My non-poetic side

***Thinking out loud*** (yes, I'm writing, and as I read all of the back and forth banter between "sides" of this conflict or the other, my thoughts are lighting afire for my research paper) Thanks Y'all and thanks for putting up with my ramblings...  Social media is a good place to observe the inner workings of people's thoughts.  People tend to say more, unrestricted comments online than in real life.  I have been working on a semester long research paper for my peace and conflict studies senior seminar...  These are my thoughts about the conflicts that are taking center stage in America right now (i.e., Ferguson, race, religion, politics).

The thesis for my paper is that the reason humans have destructive conflicts is because of the breakdown in communication. This communication breakdown stems from our need of self-preservation, leading us to "other" (us vs them mentality). This othering creates our identity, which begins the cycle again.

When conflict arises, because of this cycle of othering, protection of self, and identity formation, we begin to create atrocity tales (it serves to further our protection of self and identities).

"The term atrocity tale serves as a justification for attacks against individuals and against even the presence of such groups in a society. An atrocity is defined as an event that is perceived as a flagrant violation of a fundamental cultural value, generally characterized by the following elements: 1) some sense of moral outrage and indignation in relation to the perceived value violation; 2) the authorization of some sort of punitive sanction; and 3) the mobilization of control efforts by the offended or injured against the apparent perpetrators.

The veracity of such tales or stories are not the issue. Instead, the major purpose of such allegations is to make the target group stand out from the ordinary providing dramatic evidence of sinister and bizarre actions. Such tales then serve both to justify the assignment of negative labels and as a warrant for extreme actions."

An illustration of my thesis (it's complicated)

Spinning

The earth spins on its axis at a rate of about 1000 mph, making a full rotation in 24 hours.
Simultaneously, the earth is orbiting around the sun at about 67,000 mph at the rate of about once every 365 days.

While this is going on, the sun is being pulled around the center of our galaxy (dragging us along for the ride) moving at a speed of 5000 mph, taking approximately 250 million years to make one cycle around.

Our entire galaxy is circling around the universe at who knows what rate of speed... AND... who knows what the entire universe is circulating around???

Meanwhile the 7 billion people on our little spec of sand in the dark known as earth are fighting over which type of human is best, which ideals are best, who deserves which part of land... and how the rich and powerful can become more rich and powerful. We will shoot you, blow you up, torture you, and make you suffer, all in the name of power. Human beings are some kind of arrogant special....

Effin get over it and let's figure this sh!t out!!!!!!!!
‪
#‎Perspective‬

Solitude

The hour before sun

rise, the furniture

rests. The house

doesn't weep but

cradles me in
its

darkness; before the light

comes. It'll

moan with desire, holding you

out there.

Cant

alone, watching
people sit in their
comfy chairs
sipping their joy
from a cup;
when I notice
no one cares
to watch me.

Apropos

The abrupt slope
at the foot of echoes
chanting, "No!"
-- halts her
galloping feat -- Just
seconds before
losing her shoes.

My Soul's Instinct

Every breath my lungs fight to take betrays my soul's instinct to find a way out; whether it be with alcohol, some varying form of dissociation, or a hard collision with a tree by the side of the road is of little importance, thankfully.  I've fought these demons before -- but I thought the birth of my son 17 years ago had saved me from ever having to fight them again. I was wrong.

It began six weeks ago or so when one sunny afternoon as I sat at my desk working on whatever project was at hand, I caught an ever brief glimpse at the horizon's slow descend into darkness.  It didn't really register within me at the time what was coming because that horizon hadn't come into view in so long. Looking back now, I should have stopped everything and walked away to take a break.  I've been saying for months that I needed to take a vacation from life and check into a hotel room for a few days and just write.  Since there aren't any hotels that allow guest to stay with only a payment of a thank you and a smile -- I was unable to take that break I instinctively knew I needed. Instead, I busied myself with more and more projects; working toward my goal of saving the world -- forgetting myself.

Within the last four weeks I have googled, "how to commit suicide and make it look like an accident" twice.  As I said earlier, luckily my soul's instinct to escape doesn't seem to matter how it escapes, so long as it escapes.  So, I make a drink involving bourbon in some fashion and put my headphones on blasting Nirvana, or Ozzy, or Seether, or anything loud and hard -- escaping, if only for a moment or two.  Sadly, with drama lurking in every corner -- the reprieve is short lived and not nearly cathartic enough. Defining the drama is unnecessary for this current piece -- drama is drama no matter what shape or form it takes that we can all identify with. When the horizon has darkened, being blindsided by an insensitive bastard's discarded gum on the sidewalk -- now on my shoe -- can feel like the end of the world. That, and I had to put my dog to sleep last week. Drama. Is. Drama. Is. Drama.

Monday, August 11, 2014 at 7:08 pm I read my first post about Robin Williams.  Within 10 minutes I somehow knew his death was not an accident.  I knew it.  I knew it with every fiber of my being because I saw me in his story.  I saw the masks he wore, though very different than my own.  My very first thought when I came to the realization of what had happened was, "how can I be expected to fight this battle when the genius Robin Williams couldn't fight it?" Selfish? Yes.  But it's what I thought -- it's where I am in my life.

This week has been difficult.  The people of the world lost in conflict and hate and chaos -- digging a hole the size of itself. There I am, standing on the side of the ever growing hole, ready to leap, but I don't. I -- in my weakened, fragile, heavy state find myself reaching into the hole to pull others out.  This is both my blessing and my curse. On a very instinctual level, I know it's something I have to do; and yet, the weight of it all is suffocating me.  Robin Williams leapt into the hole.  Will his leap pull some others out?  Will it cause others to leap with him?  Will it cause me to leap with him?

The conversation has been started, but it will fade away like everything else that is hard -- and nothing will have been resolved. How do we begin shrinking the hole, thereby reducing the amount of souls it sucks in? Why is it that I have reached the bottom of this piece without once using the words suicide or mental illness? Both words have impacted my life -- so many lives for way too long and yet, stigma is still attached to them making it laborious to even softly utter them. The Band-aid was an ingenious invention -- but we, as a whole have got to stop slapping them on a broken society and look for ways to mend and heal what is killing us... what is killing me.   My soul's instinct is to build a bridge of unity for the world -- and yet, here I am falling apart.  Ironic.  Yes. In order to help others I have to help myself, I know this... and yet... I feel lost.

Life and Stuff

Last night in a fit of tears and rage
calling out --
"If you are on my side, NOW is the time to show it."

Ready to drive
with a bottle of bourbon in one hand
the gear shift in the other.

Fast and Furious
real life drama
with a fiery crash ending, relieved.

You answered me without words;
but with something more--
falling asleep in a blanket of peace

Waking up with the taste
of You on my breath--
God is love.

#spirituality #dreams #God #suicidal

lame games

what pushing too hard looks like.  crappy poetry... reflects crappy circumstances... where life is never fair, and waiting is eternal. someday will be one day -- if even in a hundred years.  I'll wait. I'll wait because there is nothing else to do. I'll wait for time to catch up with love ... .... ......

a beautiful picture of her

she shared in a click--

in a click, like a bic lighter

my heart fell, on fire.

grateful for flickr

making a few clicks of my own,

wiping out my wipe out, 

when my heart fell, on fire 

    

                                           . . .

Occupation

Her big girl panties heaved
out the window,
twirling her dress: spinning heads
          as she passes
          flashing smiles.
The chess board
collecting dust
in the corner of her room.

Voice Recording

Something I wrote for my Principled Problem Solving (PPS) scholars class last fall. We were to write and record (in under 3 minutes) a piece on how we live with integrity... This was my piece.

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Weeds

Thank You, Ma Maya

Disguising the tears,
the rain proclaimed
it was an awesome day
to die. The sun
swept the tears, subtly
slinging rainbows
between the clouds.

#MayaAngelou

Loneliness

stuck in extended
      shallowness
       like glass
         blown
          too long:
       ignored
  in an open fire,
wasting to embers. 

a dream. YOU were there

I had a dream last night that's baffling me.  It's weird and I can't stop thinking about it.....  about you.

 I really needed to get away, and just be by myself for a few days.  You offered to make arrangements for me, why? NO IDEA! So, I pack a bag and take off for the highway, feeling free and happy.  I get to the hotel, and it's quite nice.  I go in, and the hotel attendant says he's been expecting me and takes me down a long hall and out a back door.  In the back of the hotel there is a new high rise being built.  In the middle of the building there is a bed and tv... no walls no bathroom, no privacy... Construction workers everywhere, but they are getting ready to leave for the day.  I can see the entire city from the room, but it's a crappy city, not much to look at. I refuse to stay in the room, but the attendant tells me I have to.  Why I stayed, I don't know. I do many things I shouldn't -- and miss many opportunities I should have seized.  Anyway.... I get on the bed and turn on the tv.  You walk in, smirking... saying you were glad I decided to stay, now you can keep an eye on me.  You sit down on the bed and... well

 Don't know what would've happened next cause I woke up before I could find out...  FUCKKKKK!
 Not my favorite dream of you.... but certainly intriguing.

Shhhh

Being Bad is feelin' way too fucking good!  I do do it well, though. (psstt, it is just an electronic smoke, does that make it less bad????)

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Stillborn

the road to creation, long--
the current being so much different
than before.
on the cusp of his birth
The heart, stopped
The voice, silenced
The soul, flatlined.
The new beginning
buried before the final
preparations begun.

the anticipation was grand.

Coming........

Every time she walks through the door
she leaves
with weak knees,
knowing she’ll come once more

---thoughts before leaving---

The Seduction

The pen, swirling in curves and lines
up and down, side to side
unruly and wild --
Thrusting with words
penetrating
deeper --
Deep inside, you quiver at the very thought
of bringing life to that which is caught
within the pages of my Trapper Keeper.

-----------Sigh------------

The Tao of what is

it is what it is,
is said often; but
often times my is
is confused with yours, it is
a different is, that I never
intended to own
in the first place.

the is, is quite confusing:
so, it is what it is
only up to the point
of a mutual understanding
of the is being referred to.

the is that is yours
made an is full of pain
and for this
I am truly sorry, because what is
is not to be taken at face value
apparently.

#ahaMoments #thoughts, #life #philosophy