My lasts...

One of many lasts I've documented for 2012... My last shower.  I'm not sure why I feel compelled to document so many different things today.  I guess, because 2012 brought so many changes to my life... and 2013 seems to be bringing many more.  Change is hard!!!

My Life

My entire life is about to be turned upside down... and I have no one to talk to about it.  Kind of sucks, but it is what it is... and that's kinda really the way it has always been.  So, life goes on: like it or not.  I am strong, and I WILL endure!!! ---- Luckily, there are good things to come...

InUnDate

Funny thing about days--
they bleed into the night, and repeat
with a vicious symphony of endless
chords that breaks then betrays;

never before, only after

a grand introduction, reduced to a clatter

filled with promises, not fulfilled: 

can't or won't, I don't know which, and

what the hell does that matter?

it hurts, just the same

where the winters grass or the leafless trees
lay naked, shivering in the night
where the light had once been,
dying in the midst of the deep freeze

where the nights bleed into the days

with a vicious symphony of endless

chords that breaks then betrays

as the sound of the frost falls across

my soul; like the sound of glass

falling from careless hands.

Somewhere

              The clouds beyond the battle cries
         bend the arm of the sun, 
    desperately reaching, 
aimed for the shadows; to lay
    a light over the chill 
           left in the wake of yesterday's rain...
             
                ---the days before lost maps and lies.

On Diverse Deviations

My life is about to become totally crazy for the next 12 daze as I gear up for the end of the semester, exams and papers and stress!!!  I gave myself permission to enjoy myself today.  The plan?  To lie out in the sun, YES! I said the sun.  It's the first day of December and it is beautiful here in the southeast!!!  So, as many others are hanging Christmas light and spending all of that dough they don't have to spend, I'm lying in the sun daydreaming that I'm on a tropical island with a tropical drink and a frilly straw...and... it felt GREAT! I had pen and paper in hand to write a poem for her like I said I would.... but the damn words just won't come!!!  Oh, I filled up a few pages of journal writing about things such as, there never being any soup in the house on the coldest of days, or, the light bulb always goes out when you least expect it and there's not enough time to change it...and the such; but alas... no damn poem.  :( 

I'm about to get 7 weeks off from school.  I'm hoping in that time I can find my own voice again.  I think my heart swallowed it, but... it is what it is, and well.... my will is good!

I'll leave you with a pic of me in the sun.... and a poem that I'm diggin' today.

Namaste!

 

They Went Home

by Maya Angelou

 

They went home and told their wives,

     that never once in all their lives,

 had they known a girl like me,

                                                    But... They went home.

 

They said my house was licking clean,

    no word I spoke was ever mean,

        I had an air of mystery,

                                                   But... They went home.

                                       

My praises were on all men's lips,

   they liked my smile, my wit, my hips,

    they'd spend one night, or two or three.

                                                   But...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can't seem to write, but

My poetry has died, for the moment anyway. I shall find my muse again! Inspiration is everywhere... I just need to stop focusing on the things I never should have been focusing on in the first place. I'm learning!!! When I do... The writing will return!
In the meantime, I know people have got to be tired of seeing ME on the Facebook all the damn time. Sooooo... This is my blog, about me so to speak. I wanna share with the world (cause it's just so damn pivotal!) that I am finally fitting into regular jeans that are NOT relaxed fit!!!! (see, I toldcha this is of crucial importance!)

(Ha! At least I amuse myself!)




PS: pay no attention to my clothes filing system.  I never claimed to be the best organizer... and this  system is better than the old floor one I used to have!

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I'ma chillax if it kills me!

My health has been failing lately... Well, if you count the last 18 months as lately.  It's just getting worse. I've been trying to make lifestyle changes. I quit smoking, I'm almost completely vegan, I hardly eat any sodium, sugar or white flour at all.  None of this has helped.  So, my next quest is to try to learn how chill without the help of alcohol.  HA! Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it!!! (P.S. If I bite your head off, I apologize in advance)



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A Crazy Thing Called Love

My respect and admiration just went way up for my son.  I Just found out today that his girlfriend has been very ill for over a year now.  He's risking love for her, even though he might lose her.  My heart is filled with joy over the man my son is growing into, and filled with fear of the hurt he might feel.  I've always said, we don't choose who we fall in love with... But it's always nice if the other person is there to catch us when we do.

The Dance

Just beneath the calm, right
after the collapse,

the old turned inside out
almost like chaos

with a toe tapping rhythm,
right before the dance

possesses the soul; that
won't let go until the floor

of linoleum reaches out
pulling you to, forever more.

In HAsTE

         The flights she climbed
     to reach the heights of sublime
     love, felt and lost in an instant
        of madness; all because
                 she said yes,

                      while

  the toymaker only played a game
 to make her smile, while at the same
  time, breaking her heart in an instant
          of madness; all because
                  she said, no

                       wait!






                                                                               don't go.

A Crime Of Passion

The white faces with a nose of slope
where sight slides
right down, landing right
at my center with the light
hearted fun of candy corn
that bites like licorice.

An extra layer of mountainous flesh
hides this hearts' beat;
so it might continue despite
the tragedy of broken bones
and words funneled through cones
of melted bits I scream
into dark rooms that echos it back;

where the he's and she's care less
about the buckets of thoughts
stacked side by side
inside the halls of this soul,
the only visitors to grace
its presence. If only they'd unpack,
hanging a picture or two, I know
the echos would surely cease?

Broken

The knuckles rubbed raw

from the sandpaper walls,

punched! in the face

on a route to escape

from the lever

pulled and engaged, forever

on the very same day

the rule, always to obey,

broken

with words that never should've been spoken;

guaranteed never to be, again.

A(sad)PART

...Looking through the window to pain...

   The voice of reason said, "Let it go."
And she replied, "Okay, it's time."
                                                      -- and so she did.

goodbye, my friend.













-------------------------------------------------------------

Breakdown

She found the key to the shed
where the tools and the go cart
waited like a death bed.

She knew just what tool to pull
from the dust covered shelves,
tinkering with this and that.

She rode that go cart
with the greatest of ease; until
the day she decided to leave,

where she left the go cart to sit
on the side of the road where its
oil drips, to emptiness.

By The Way

The highway moves fast, inside
the unending swoosh sound
of the people moving on
with their lives,
   passing by
this ol' clunker,
propelling this ol' soul
from place to place; only
ready to collapse at any moment:
unless, the guard rail
jumps out of the way.

A Part Without The Why

 

 

a gift lost

is still a gift

even if

it hurts like hell!

 

 

 

 

----and the weeper weeps----

for evermore.

Indigestion

The day before I died, the air

smelled like stale bread.

 

My eyes dripped and drained

as the words once heard, silenced

by the fear of confessions made,

too soon,

after the wine and bread were

swallowed and absorbed; leaving a bad

taste to linger for eternity

from the acid of

love soured.

 

Contained

The special glass, filled

with nectar; slips

like a shattering heart
from the grip
of hands, weak

from holding, without

it ever being
                      tasted.

succumb

the rain could not
wait more than
a day to visit
the newly
planted garden;

and now, sadly
the winds, they
blow from a new
direction, as

the garden withers,
waiting for winter
to come
and destroy
the thirsting foliage.

from ruth

      out the back door
beyond the depths of hope,
   the doe ran and ran
      released from the womb
                                of love: with tears
                                                    shed for the light
                                                                  of a new dawn ;

                                                                                            . . .

A Reminder

A trip of trips,
planned down to
the shoes to shampoo
necessities for the taking;

Music to sing
the journey, begins... until;

Eyeballin' the map, only for a second;
      -- sight lost--

Death, at the end of a fiery crash:
       --the destination ain't near as important, as getting there--

Sniper

The shooter offers nothing
to the words and actions
without a home; never to be reined-

in. The clench of a jaw, snapped
and the silence broke into
a slow death waiting for
the final plans to settle:
ten feet under.




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Free Flow

The impure blood,
courses through the
veins;           aimed,
straight for the heart,
races like a mud

slide after the storm.

Not afraid, the blade

cuts       the       pain,

free from the thoughts

trapped behind the life form

of a warden gone mad.

The pain, now free

runs    and      drains;

in a scarlet fervor down

the pages of a writing pad.

 

 

 

Grave Side

Daily visits to the tombstones
buried in the thoughts they left and
of the deaths made
from a closed heart
unable to give what it doesn't have. 
Daily mourns, with
hopes their deaths were at the
very least, peaceful.

Prison Walls

Reflected in the silence
are the voices lurking in the shadows;

movements strictly restricted
as the dance through the day

makes its way through
the sludge of innocence lost--

beyond the night's thickness
where the waiting intensifies:

Eyes closed, then open,
hoping it's only a dream.


-----------------

Barista Wanted

 

 

 

 

[a microwave assures hot coffee

at any given moment;

if of course, the pot

is filled every day or so]

 

 

 

 

In A Metered Breath

Without any means
  outside of the day
    inside of an hour
     the wind blew
       between these bones
          keeping me here;
            standing but holding,
              off the decay
             
      of shattered dreams.

Cold Is The Night

Under The Influence

The can popped; for starters,
until the pill hit like a sledge hammer
starting simple at first, then dragging it all
below the surface like orders.

Then her name echoes
off the walls filled with the rain
of a million tears; drowning the thoughts
into tomorrow's glass of mellow,

always waiting with a smile,
giving hope that tomorrow
it will be possible
to go, just a few more miles.

Cagney

He ran away once; when I wasn't looking,
running to find the thing, wherever it might be. But
it, didn't come. His love
for me wasn't enough to contain him,
until I searched for him, and called him home;
where he stayed, until I had to let
him go, forever.

unobscured

to see straight through,
the ledge turned to glass;


for strength and a lie
both reveal the uncertainty that

she might fall, because she can
see the truth, straight through

                    

                     

                  

              to the bottom...

Welcome to College

The homework assignment was to give a generalized picture of what you believe is the moral concept for each.

God:  I see God as being greater than humanity and also; interchangeably, the sum of it.  The energy of humanity and the universe is God (ly).  What we put out or off into the universe is reflected back to us.

Universe:  The universe is God; a spiritual entity.

Self - Humanity: is both a mirror and a sponge of the universe.

Knowledge:  My sense of knowledge comes from the energy I both, take in and expel.  Knowledge transcends.

Death:  Because we are all energy, that energy never dies; but transforms.

An added thought (not part of the assignment).  When I pray, I usually am using my energy to call the energy of the universe toward or (away), to or (from) what I'm praying for.  I think (on most days) that all living matter in the universe makes up the energy of God.  Energy is capable of moving from one source to another; negatively or positively depending on what we put out or take in.  How's that for philosophical??? 

Later! time for class!

Absorbed

 

 

The blade of grass

gulped the dew; before

the rays of the sun

leaped over the trees

swallowing it whole, alas!

 

 

 

(PS: I had to answer philosophical questions on the

concepts of morality of God, the universe, etc;

and these words popped into my head.

Maybe I should share that assignment here?

I really had no idea that Criminal

Justice could be so philosophical.)

 

 

The Current...

Tomorrow
anxiously awaits
for the stream to
drive the current
that will kiss
the rock;
dry from drought,
with its salty sweetness.




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Continuum

Life as a leaf

with veins

that flow or not

without reins

the

leaf

survives

or

not

Because rebirth

is inevitable

when the earth

weeps

...

Tonight

Broken is the heart: that weeps
beneath a sky of blue.

Broken is the heart: that leaps
beneath a sky of storms.

Broken is the soul that
can do neither...

in response to That Girl

In response to That Girls blog post, I say: Hell ya, I support the first amendment! 
However, EVEN MORE SO; I support my second amendment right not to be shot!

Obviously, what we're doin as Americans ain't working.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  If it's broken,
PLEASE FUCKING FIX IT!!!!!

Dress Up

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[She wore her very best dress

twirling as fast as it took

for it to flair out;

giving the dizziness

rhyme and reason

for the observers who

might be

watching]

  

 

 

 

 

 

 



Stings 'n Strings Snapping

The bee buzzes
Circling. circling.
Round 'n round
Her head.

She doesn't flinch;
She doesn't blink.

Cause
She knows
Any sudden moves,
Will signal

The bee to sting;
Again.

THE College Student

Learning how to learn is harder than the learning itself, I think.  I'm doing things that I never would have imagined.......  (Yea, being your own cheerleader is most important, always.)  I'm missing my poetry writing immensely.  I MUST schedule that in somewhere...  Making time for sleep is starting to annoy me. (And if you know me, you know sleep is the most important thing to me)

I hope to be back within 48 hours with a new poem!  :)

...randomness at its finest folks...

Conflict

The noises scream
at supersonic speed
like an F-14 flying in his head
with the Top Gun theme
softly competing for space:
                                                    To fly.

Missiles launched. But,

By God! Politely
he asks, "When will the war end?"

Strike

The brilliant lightning

  like a thief

stealing the shadows

    off the panic

stricken faces taking cover

    down below;

for one second too many

Reaping

The years were good, and
the crop grew strong and tall
never failing to give its best,

Praising the sun and rain
for always giving;
Equally, consistently.

Until that year; The year
the rain stopped, the soil
hardened with life destroying

Protection, trying and failing
in a vicious cycle of
hate and love.  By the time

The farmer realized it was dying,
he watered every night and
fanned all day, only to be met with

Surprise when the crop withered
with nothing left to give, forever;
Leaving a scar the days can never erode.

August Rush

The fifteenth, the sixteenth, the twentieth.
Every year, I wait for the middle of August.
Will it pass by normally, or
will we burn a memory?

Everyday, I am thankful for the one
that makes it all worthwhile!!!

I'm ready for a day of writing.  I'm hoping beyond hope that I can burn a new memory on the twentieth.  Instead of it being the day she left me alone, forever... it will be my first day of a new beginning...
(It's kinda ironic the first day of school will be on the twentieth, I think...)  Life! who fucking knew?!?!?

Communication

The thing about words is, When
Put together with the wrong combinations,
Intention doesn't match comprehension,
They were said at the wrong time,
At the wrong place, or
to the wrong person... Suddenly,
Fuck becomes a dirty word!!!

A Rhymester's Tale

My hand is chained to my pain
holding hers helpless to let it go
and too powerless to keep it;
but when the wind changes
and the sky rages
the lightning can strike ya
if you don't run for your life
despite the strife it lays out.
It ain't 'bout this or that
but all of it that too much
sludge will pull you under
when you're foolin' yourself
that thunder is only thunder
without a strike hidden in a fist
full of words that always insist
you're as wrong as the sun at midnight;
that's the plight of it and
that's all I know, for now.

Fast Food

That double bacon cheeseburger
slicked with grease dripping
ruining everything
it touches; But Damn!
It sure does taste good
until it is swallowed
and absorbed.

Codification

In the desperation of forlorn
hope, the field of thorns
blanketed with words
to coat the chill
of the winter without
an approaching spring.

Resonance

Like a black strap on a wall of brick

The lights dim in a orange glow

of terror sparked memories

of a prison full of love

whispered from above

its familiar comfort; not unnoticed

none the less, she waits.

Fallen

In the weeping hours
one by one
the leaves gift their last breath
to the soil that gave them life;

Aging into crumbling bits,
till there is nothing left
but memories of the
cool shade they once made.

Distractions

Music, like air
is always there
even when life is not fair;

lifting

anyone who
dares to let it In-
Side-Tracked.

Casuality

Her hand grabbed the stem
of the red tipped rose
without pain
from thorns piercing

until, the last petal fell
with a scarring brittleness.



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The Ending

The night lies wasted
by the sun setting
without regard
for the stars;
waiting all
day.




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The Core

The walls cradle the sick
some more than others
is always the way,
so it seems. Sometimes,
we don't survive
the inevitable; Sometimes,
it doesn't survive us.




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Life 'n Stuff

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you aren't looking....

(the only thing that stays the same, is change)

Now And Forever

The last breath taken in a single
heartbeat, holds the memories
made in that given moment
and whispers it for all of eternity.

stick a fork in me

I'm sitting in the dark, music blaring, hiding for a brief moment from the pain; uncertain how much more I can take.  Enough tears have been shed to end the drought that's plaguing the Country.  I'm beyond ready to start anew....
Writing is my life line, and I am beyond frustrated that from all of this chaos, I have not been able to write a single word...

But then... a little light comes in...........

Is There Really A Time And A Place For Everything?

Bent over my lap thinking
about things that shouldn't
be said, but probably will;
because a tongue without
reins, never follows the
rules of proper procedure.

Embrace

Every thought I've ever had
or feeling, felt; she's there
     in the thick of it, as if
          she were there all along.
In the early morning hours

     alone, in the dark when
the shadows taunt and
scream, spinning
around my head, I feel
     the breath of her soul
inside of me; burning
          the pain into ashes

and the wings of love
     take flight;
        
          taking me away

     from my memories
of misery.

Have a little faith.....

Classified

When you see him
with fingers tip to tip
blanketed in darkness that
covers the weary expression
from blown out fuses;
don't be a bit surprised 
if upon closer inspection
you find a fat lip
from words thrown
harder than a fist swingin'
fight at the corner bar;
in the back room, of course.

Existence

Interestingly enough;
Home has always
been a place
where my many hats
rest.  But
now, it seems
to be wherever you are;

which of course is hell,
when the lights aren't on!

Funny: Words and their meanings

Crush: v  To press, break, injure, crumple or rumple.  To pound or grind into small fragments or powder.  AND...
Crush: To like someone a whole lot...

Hmmmmmmmm

a ~ bridge ~ d

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I say, "That's Nass."

She says, That's Nice."

I'm slow and droll.

She's precise and wise.

Together; We're everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Breathing

Awhile
ago with a collapsible
kick stool, a note
book and varying pens,

a gallon of water
for whatever thirst
may arise;
I climbed a small

gentle mountain
Alone
to get a better view
of the possibilities; unseen.

obsessing

----- When the world swallows you whole, the least it could do is to give you the courtesy of belching -----

Saga

I write about you, as if you were a memory
because I'm sure I loved you before the light
of the first star ever reached the earth.

And I'm more than sure that as I sit here watching
the swaying trees in the passing storm, I see
the history of our entangled embraces,
that not even death could separate.

Juncture

I wonder if it's possible, the reason
for time
is only to tease me about how much
of it
I've missed with you?

tick tock. 

TiCk ToCk.

TICK TOCK!

In a whisper, I gently request; silence please.

Loudly. I yell
the only question worth asking.

Is.

WHY?!?

Ragamuffin

Laying under cover for much too long
Waiting for the break to snap
On the other end, that won't even bend!

Your first sunrise lies deeply in a heart.

Ruin

The tide, crashing into the

Rocks that hold the sea

Below the edge of tomorrow

Along the straight and narrow;

Washes away the landing

For the next soul to find himself drowning

Inside the lure

Of her hypnotic swirl.

The Hanger

    In the dark, little room
 where the door is closed
            most of the time
     to the contents inside;
            the hanger waits,
holding up
the shit layed upon it
like a martyr bent on it
with a half smile when
a wrinkle ruins your day.

quietly

alone;
the breath
of her soul
permeates
my existence,
with no less
resistance
than her
hand in
mine

Blown Away

For the strongest foundation

with the greatest percision

the bricks were picked

and stacked upon

the other with

out  regard

for   the

cement

that

                            holds           it             all                            

together





Wild Life

As I sit, professing to be sane,
looking through the pane
on the edge of my stump;
I'd fall with the greatest kerplunk
if I saw the absurdity of a deer
looking down his nose at the dearest
of rabbits; Merely for the fact
he's too small to be tracked.

neglectful

..........sigh..........

the toast is burnt;

happens every time

something seems to be

more important than

nicely toasted bread

............................

Em'urge

After a night of years, the sun rose
upon fertile grounds, quietly
beckoning for a seed to be planted,
watered, and nourished; without imposed

stipulations of benefits to reap.
With the crop she offers, I shall waste
not a moment to taste the deliciousness
of her bounty; where she will sleep

under a sky of new heights
with the warmth and security of love.
Her soil I will tend for evermore;
where fear will no longer rule her nights.

The Not So Secret, Secret

My words of "wisdom" to the 19 year old young lady in my life; who despite the desire to connect with others, she just can't let herself trust: 

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Every single human being that has ever walked the earth, or that ever will walk the earth is stark raving mad!  Some people are just better at hiding it than others. 

So many of us deserve an Academy award for our performances of not only trying to convince others, but ourselves of our sanity.  But the truth of the matter is, being honest with ourselves and with others by just being ourselves and trusting that the right person will come along and just, "get it", would save ourselves a lot of pain and heartache. 

In the meantime, start out "acting" like the person you want to be just for an hour a day.  Gradually add on more time over the next weeks and months... and maybe, just maybe you'll wake up one day to find yourself living that life.  We're all so busy thinking we have this huge secret of being totally crazy, and if anyone found out about it... we'd spend the rest of our lives alone.  The sooner we realize that craziness is just part of the human condition... the sooner we will be happy and comfortable in our own skin!"


I only call these words wisdom, because I think a light bulb went off in her head.  She managed to stop fighting herself (and me) for just a moment to hear me; and she smiled, her eyes lit up for that second in time and she felt hope.  But, (there's always a but) her demons snapped her to... and we had to run through the million of excuses WE ALL waste too much time on.

Romance

Every damn day
she professes her love
for the drink right there,
in the open street; Alas!
Yet, I must become
a beggar on the corner
holdin' a sign that reads;
will do a trick or two just for
a hug or a kiss from you. But hell,
my soles are worn from the travels
I've made to get a wink, the drink
didn't seduce you into.
.

The Waiter

It is beyond HOT!
In a T-shirt 'n shorts
Every hour, but still
The heat is all I can feel
Outside the hallway
That echo's inside its loneliness;

And oh! I should mention,
The blizzard has yet to cease.
And the telephone? It freezes
The easiest, I think.

Im part; Of You

Collecting the remnants left outside
of herself; for reasons she can not abide,
her chest rises in measure, allowing
it to flow deeply inside
if only                                for a moment.





Pregnant in the denial; exhaling slowly, wow
her thoughts that kindle the flame without a vow
but still, no less intense in a subtle utterance,
from parted lips caught and understood; and now
she waits                                               for awhile.

Shhhh

With me, you are not alone... Ever! Once you've captured my heart (and you have), I will always be there for you!

Yep! That's how I roll....



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Indication

Everyday, for weeks now
Right around noon
The rabbit, wrapped
In stripes of grey
Sits by my window
Just inside the shadows
The hovering tree casts

Straight through
Half the room,
Until the sun lowers
Just enough to reach
The darkness, swallowing
It all in a single gulp;
Leaving the thirst unquenched
                                       

at midnight sharp

I will not succumb to
the sharp edge of the
night, beckoning me
to shred the loneliness
to pieces.
I CAN stand
on the edge
without
bleeding.

cut it out

laying back, hands up
surrendering to her wrath
only to save her ass
she ties the weight
on my shoulders
double knotted
i don't fight it
sinking, drowning
deeper and deeper
still, until
i'm out of sight
you have no right
my knife can cut
through the damn knots...

hmm

Trying to write today, not succeeding.  The quiet is insanely loud... or maybe it's just my thoughts...  Why am I feeling so cray cray today????

Earth Shattering

Deep below the surface
two or three feet
or more, beyond
the line of vision

No doubt!

The shock waves, off the
Richter scale of the
impending quake
shake relentlessly.

Can only imagine
the after effects...

Blue Suede Shoes...

I want a pair...  Call me a dork, whatever!  :)

I think I would be awesomely cool in them!!!

On The Line

The ring alerted me
a smile elated me
from hers.
Standing Up, I walk
to the edge

Diving straight in
For 26 minutes, I
hold my breath
as her words
sustain me...

The Florist

If on your path, there's not a flower
in sight; to stop and smell

Always know, I deliver...

The Guardian

In the silence, I hear her screams
the loudest, when she
doesn't know
I'm listening...

In the reality, I see her dreams
the brightest, when she
doesn't know
I'm watching...

In the stillness, I lead her to dance
to a rhythm played
only for her, when she
stops to notice...

A Poetic Whine

I see her in pink
she gave me a Thirst
that can't be quenched.
Closing the door
I lie back, alone
but still, I can't fulfill
the void
that only her kiss
can seal.

Turbulance

From a cloud, plummeting

At free fall speed

Straight toward the ground, with

A kerplunk!

The sound of shattering dreams

Because the wind just

Happened, to change directions.

--the ground didn't flinch--

Aware

I went for a walk, around noon
anything before that; is much too soon.
I noticed the tall pine swaying, with half its needles
resting on the ground in a fetal
position, as if waiting to be born again.

The finch on the adjoining limb, sang
for awhile to me as I stood beneath her tree
contemplating the destiny
of tomorrow's embrace,
my saving grace....

...holding back;

as the seed in wait

on the dark floor,

of the deep forest...

first breath after holding

(without the door so much as
cracking, still
she managed to creep in
and unpack, the hole
is now whole.)

I hope she stays for awhile....

A Mona Lisa (Unaware Of Course)

Dearest Beautiful Soul,

I notice, your arms stay close to your sides
so as not to appear too wide?
The bag you carry to trap
all of the stupid crap
that's being sold only to you
wandering, the streets right on cue
up and down and -- back again;
looking for comfort from the place it began,

only to be met with a blank stare

from the one who should care
the most.--- holding yourself; weighted down
with all the mess layed upon your shoulders, drown
your spirit of a broken heart, bleeding in tears
shread all of the years
that should have been.

If you can't hear me, I'll say it times ten;
babe, the crap you carry is not all yours
put yourself through torture,
no more; cause... You ARE the prize!

Mama-licious

To me, she is the riches
     even on such days she's
up to her elbows in dishes
    with a babe whining on her dress
cause she had the nerve to say,
    "Go clean up that mess!"
Covered in a vile muck
     from head to toe and all in between
from a day that frankly, just sucks!

Every night, she skips from the dark
      room of her little darlings
exhausted from a day of play in the park.

A moment to breathe, she sighs
     at the thoughts of what her life
has become.  She softly cries
     at the lonliness deep inside, a void
filled by only a dream yet imagined,
     a thought that she must avoid
for now. It is in this hour she hides
     in the shadows, in hopes no one will
see. It is in this hour I want to pull her aside

wrap her up in my arms for all of eternity
     because I must confess it is in this moment
She is the most beautiful of all, to me.


    

Insanity

In sand "I drink" tea
With everyone I meet.
Blonde or brown
Thin or round
Matters not the least.
All drink tea and blame it on the beast
Always within striking distance.

the Rolling-Key-stone

He from she was born
becoming a poet, of sorts

laying it out, without
having to say so in

the streets of bumpy
matter, hardly ever lengthy

bouncin' to this from that
so nothing ever sticks,

hurt just as a lick
with a sick joke slapped

on the side, watching the
people pass, their paths

clear for the taking, or so
it seemed, in the beginning

but now, finding the path leading
to the right destination, racing

without resignation, only to find
the sign that reads, PRIVATE PROPERTY

keep out or be shot right
in the heart, he proceeds gently

not giving heed to warnings
until the morning after next

Em ily

No miles I cry will
Make me further
From you

For you, I take
Wherever I go
Missing you still

For your kiss has yet
To burn my heart
For evermore


(waiting and thinking-- these lines came to me. May add more later... Or not?)


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Waiting...

The floor is white
The Room is black
  He surrenders, on his back
  Blind fold tight,
            with
   Eyes wide open.

soup pour here, oh

without  a breath
or a whisper
my wings expand
my muscles flex
glasses are off
like it or not
I'm in it now
Fuck You
if you think
I won't knock
down a door or two
to save you from
a burning building

Change

This silkiest of grass
wrapped around
the most splendid
tree in the forest
will not
keep its' leaves
from falling
when their time
has come.

Commitments

when she was ten, she had the most beautiful
collection of beads that ever existed
                shapes and colors galore
                people gave her more and more
so many in fact, they were stacked
on the special shelves above her bed and
on the sills of windows and
she was happy beyond compare
                everyday, she filled a string or two
                for a friend or not, she brought smiles
                to the faces of all from her selfless gifts
after 20 years of this
the beads dwindled down
filling a jar here and there
                as she got older, the demands
                for more and more grew and
                those people would get so upset
                when they were met with a "NO!"
you see, they all seem to forget that eventually,
the beads run out when there's nothing
                 left to give

Prelude

Strolling through the historic part
of downtown, watching my feet
without a single need
for this or that.  Not shopping

or even gazing in a single window,
focused on the mutterings
of souls passing
me by without a care to give

nor I.  Resigned to living in a
nothing world feeling nothing
special I couldn't bring
or make myself, before you

came to me, full of sun like spring
to the tree branches of winter
restoring love, you render
a name for that which I've yearned.

Sonnet 17

By  Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way
because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I nor you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep
it is your eyes that close.

The Trip

The car is packed

And gassed for

A trip not to be missed!


Breathtaking scenery

Each and every mile

Of the long  journey!


The anticipation,

Off the map for a trip

That's been long over due!


No point in discussing

The destination, cause the

Excitement is found


                                                                          In getting there...





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Sweet Dreams

With a small breath,
The clouds parted
In the night with
          the moon rise
                tucking me in with
                     a kiss, thoughts
Linger longer
Than reasonable, but
Still there's nothing
           that can shake
                a leaf free held
                      tightly in love.

BREAKING NEWS

The ward for words
Under lock and key
Never to see
The light of day, are

Rioting in their cells.
A few have escaped

The only certainty is
As they ran to their intended
Destination they
Could be heard for miles
Rejoicing in their freedom.

How they are received
Is not yet known.

PLEASE CALL, IF THEY
AFFECT YOU IN ANYWAY!

Biscuits

Only a home style biscuit,
With its subtle freshness
and Hot
Out of any oven

Allures me
Calling
Me by name.

Its' outside,
Buttery and golden
And wets my appetite

Satisfied by
Nothing else.

Its' layers
Richly complicated
With a flakiness
That drives me wild

Leaving
Me
To
Come
And go
At once.

Snap Shot

 

To see her in lace
Ahem!
my heart would just race.

And

with that said,
her painted nails and
the shoulder tickling hair

Well, I just stop and stare
cause she has those
eyes that look
straight through, oh

AND THAT SMILE!

don't hurt
neither.

Oh My! the clouds
sure are lovely today...

 

 

 

Unknown

A thought is whispered

and flung

with a sling shot

aimed

from here to there;

often caught

with reason

or fate,

unknown

it

matters

not

?



the vibe

here I am
and
there she is
no matter where I turn
her hands
I feel
around
me, everywhere
and everyday
in all the minutes
ticking by
in pulses
that rush in
jolts
making me
need
to say
hello, it's
the beginning
and ending
of me
and it
ends

with a smile.

Fresh

If I stink, I'd like to think
you'd be oh so
kind, and let me know
that I offend. Of course, I will bend
over backward, racing toward
a real cold shower, every hour
cause pleasing you, is all
I ever wanna do.

My Placebo

bare feet rest, naked
 to the vacant grass, highs
  locked'n hands held, sighs
   dare to be, inside out.
   cool love, not forsaken
  planting words to rise
 way and beyond all whys
soon to be, beneath that tree

               I wait.

Saturday

Sitting here lost in the music all day long. 
My thoughts are in full throttle. 
Last night, something shifted.
After the full blowout 2 weeks ago,
her attitude has slowly changed.
I'm left to figure out the reasons and
if it's temporary or permanent.  Hell, I don't know. 
I'm more confused than ever. 
So many U-turns, new things... my circuits
are on overload.  The only thing I know
with complete and utter certainty is...
I want to sit under a tree and just chew gum
and talk about life, and other stuff.

Would it be wrong to end this with a, "fuck it!" ?  Who cares!?!  Fuck it!

Mis-take-in

Balloons up
Lights and gifts
Candles to
Celebrate

Love to show
Shouts to yell
Calling out
From the heart

In all the
Excitement
She forgot
One DAMN thing,

It is not
Her birthday
For another
Six whole months.

A Few Words On The Matter

then I'm gonna have to let it go...


In rhythm infused thoughts,
the sweat inducing sunlight
blinds her to the fact
that her heart beats
faster than the beat
of the song
playing over and over
in her mind.

I'm pretty sure that's everything, for now...

Lost

The sky, draped in night

Lost without its' moon

Spinning in desperation

Searching for the gift

Of light she gives.




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21 + 21 = 42

21 years ago today, I married my high school best friend.  So, my last name started with a G for 21 years, and my last name has started with an H for 21 years.  My ex husband is still my dear friend and the father of my child.  I love him and always will.  To him, I owe my ability to love the way I do.  He taught me  how to love, by loving me unconditionally.  That's what a good friend does, right?

Thank you for being who you are M!  You are forever in my heart!!!

lost and found

fleeing, taking the
blueprints too, swiftly
throwing away dreams
of what was to be.

unfinished, the structure
caved, cracked,
decayed to say
the least, and

the last of worries,
not even a sorry
or a care to give
for the loss of love.

..............................

until she found the key
that opened the door
and an interest of
peeking inside, laying a bed

in the back room
out of site until
the dust and fumes
                                settle.

Today...

Has been one of those daze where every damn thing thrown at me, I've felt.  Too much overload, I s'pose. I keep thinking of things as BBD and ABD (before bus driving and after bus driving).  Not sure why that shit won't let me go..... but it has woken and stirred so much shit in me that I'm almost a new version of me. (last night I had a nightmare about it) I really kind of miss the old me.  The one who could bury anything in so much deepness, it grew nothing, did nothing.. but just be.  That's what I need to do... just be.  I'm fairly certain The Rock I've always been is still there somewhere..... It just has to be........

AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FUCKING CRYING??????? I HATE CRYING WITH A PASSION!!!!!!!  what good does it serve???? 

I better get a fucking awesome poem or prose or essay or something out of this shit!

Hyper-- reality

a great piece
up for grabs
asking price
negotiable
inquire within
BUT
buyer beware
though more real than real

only the sleeper knows
of the pitched tent, deep
in the hardwoods
found only
                             with thoughts
                                                                  of her.................

Ignited

Sitting outside, alone
The sun burns with a purposeful flame
The wind licks like aloe

But it ain't quite the same
As a lover on fire
Standing upside down
For me.


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surfacing

she came out with her best

twirling and spinning and dancing
smiling inside and out
with beauty beyond
all the gold in all the world
my heart plummeted
and rose
and again
and again
and again.....

my eyes transfixed
unable to do
anything

but follow

stopping to take a
breath
she left
as quick as she
came
and I

am lost.

Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt

That's A Wrap

As the weight slides down
the sides of curves still too
steep, feeling around
at the structure once
hidden under blankets
of protection, reflecting
the first face seen
before being weaned

fear passes a
doughnut
hole and more

MUST
FIND
NEW
BLANKET

Wings

As strange as it may seem, there
are times when I run
laps 'round the
yard to raise
a stink in the 
sun making love
a memory
of you
and
it.

A Pretty Song

In thoughts of subtlety eyes shift down from fifth to second

in a matter of seconds. She smiles comfortably when

I pretend not to notice.

Never a hand is played or sometimes

a word uttered. A pretty song plays for us inside only

others pretend not to notice.

I'd learn to drink bitters if you'd sit here for a moment or two

to discuss no hint of this or that. I will fall in your rhythm

and pretend not to notice when you do.

And when your shoulders lift with your eyes

at a vibe I gave, without intention that matters not anyway,

we'll pretend not to notice, together.

A pretty song is heard when we rise in the sun

and again when we lie back in the darkness. The lingering thoughts

will be noticed in the rhythm of falling, neither here nor there.

Without a sound we rest, like the last note the violin plays
bending, reflecting, soaking in the still air
penetrating our senses, forcing it to be noticed.

The pretty song plays, through the night...

                                     and we noticed.

.

Dusk

yesterday's sun,
beams early with a smile
and a, "how do you do?"
that won't wait 
like newly planted grass
that's all the rage.

its' rays, aiming in one direction
stroking with warm hands 
of light
locked in a gaze
of intrigue and desire; But
like always, sooner than later
it sets, leaving me
to lie under a starless sky.

Rumspringa

Jumping up with a Spring of 16
Bringing it back to where it should've been.
                         Oats and wild lettuce still on the plate, yet
                         Better still, wild oats, sewn.... like new.
                                    The slate wiped clean,
                                            "I'm gonna cream this!" she declares--
                                             Out the door she bolts, the lock behind!

my memory

It always concerns me that people think I'm delusional or "stalky" because I remember so much.  If I recall the most minute of things about you.... it's because I care and I have a memory that just doesn't fail!  yea, I might remember that day you had a grilled cheese or had an itch that wouldn't wait.... but it's only because I cared enough to remember.  I promise.... I'm not a crazy stalker....  AND, this memory of mine has caused more problems than it has served....

it is what it is....

Enjoying the hazy sun

Sitting outside listening to the teenage girl and her friends who live next door having a passionate discussion about boys. I missed this ritual growing up, and find it interesting! They sound A LOT like the ladies of The View. Is this really how girls talk to each other???? Is it outgrown????
Ha! Don't laugh! I have never in my entire life sat around with girls/women and discussed boys.
Ok.... The subject is getting into TMI now....... Aaaaggggghhhh


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Friend - zee

His muscles flex
Then fall flat
The man in the mirror
Talks back in a whisper
At her hands
Perhaps he can,
Become.

you first

leanin in backin out
steppin to the side
like I wished at the
door I fucked it, again
I'ma get it
right
sometime babe.
my thoughts droppin
free fallin speed
wild n outta control
but still, on my hands
I'll keep on sittin
cause I got this
under control.
of course, right
in the door
I had to duck
under cover, I
got it. (you read that right)
a lame ass rhyme for you, next time
I'll do better. you got me.

First Confession, At Last

Tonight, meet me
on the corner of you and me
in a dream where we fall, over
Moon light walks, hand in hand
fires lit over long talks
passing of time stops, existing
only for our desires
leaning, for a kiss
I promise you won't want to miss!
The sway of your hips, the play in your lips, I
am lured by, in every way.
staying away not an option
anymore babe, in my arms
is where you belong, someday
will come
and, so will you to me.


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In Some Ways

In bed, without what needed to be said
In fear, of what you can hear.

What will make you run
and what will make you come?

Some signs are easy to find
Some lies, dare to be defied.

But what will make you run
and what will make you come?

Ways inside, I will not guide
Ways around, I will not bound, either.

So, what will make you run
and what will make you come?

In some ways, I think I know...


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Imbibe

midnight tea, we sip slowly
lit candle, a bit more than we can handle
no worries, cause sorry won't escape
these sipping lips.


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Despite

Just sitting here
feeling terribly disappointed
in myself.
Drowning it with music, kinda.
I gave into my demon,
not something I'm prone to,
usually.
Had unbelievable desire
to buy a pack of smokes.
I talked myself into a compromise
of an electronic smoke.
Got it home, trembling with excitement
and weighted with guilt.
Taking 2 DEEP drags anyway...
it was heavenly.  Felt like home,
if that says anything to you.
I shall be
a better caretaker to myself
tomorrow.   I Hope.

hidden secrets

okay, so I have this bouquet I picked up
just for you and oh, I just wanna say
it's not a relay but we could be
on our way, you know to that place
where we just go lay in the night
without the moon and a million stars
not forsaken but when standing toe to toe
cheering for you and me
to stay just past the wake. I'm not
saying this must be obeyed to a T
I will say, I have a smile on my face
for the day my heart and yours
hear the same beat.
does a month from Monday
work for you?

Caller Id

In its blanket of blackness
That damn telephone
Full of buttons
Pushing mine
Mocking,
Smirking,
Seducing my fingers
Over your number, only
To hang up
Before the ring leads
Your ear to my whisper.
Do you ever hear it?

So Bad

Hot enough to melt hell
and yea, well
I'm yellin it
not fearin it
from the roof top!
The music tells all
if you can hear it,
I'll steer it, if you let it
I bet it all, you will
cause you feel it,
inside and out,
I'm 'bout to lose it,
for you.
g'nite, I'll stew
a bit.

I Think

I.  Am.  A.  Good.  Girl.
No.  Really...
I am!





(that's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Fuck! Is The Word

I'm doing a bit of writing, and this thought occurred to me. 

--I wish the world could be as liberal as the word, FUCK!  Fuck is great! It doesn't discriminate, feeling most comfortable anywhere it lands.  It sits nicely next to most any other word.  It can be anything it needs to be at any given moment!

It can seduce you or it can tell you off.  It can make any point much clearer. 
(I have a smirk on my face with this one.) When used in excitement, OHHHH--  It's amazing when excited!!!  I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

Fuck is nothing to be afraid of.   Liberate yourself and use it often... I guarantee you won't fucking regret it!!!

Passed The Past

Friday nights spent painting finger nails
knowing I was only gonna fail
cause you wanted me to climb up;
I was only your schlep
rubbing your feet
always promising me heat
always squishing your bugs
just by flaunting your jugs
you thought you could control all
I did or thought. You did, throwing you the ball
to my life, just cause I wanted you to be happy;
you manipulated me, cause I was just too sappy.
You can control a wild beast
for only so long, when she's at least
the lesser version of you
in everything she will ever do.
But, just so you know
I grew up and no longer crow
at 6 a.m. just cause you want me to.
Still though, I love you
and so very sorry to disrupt your plan
of not coming home again.

Mother's Day

My 15th mother's day was spent with me feeling like hell.  Luckily, I could just sit and do nothing.  But, what I figured out today is, the most artistic thing I am capable of, is LOVE.  I love to just love.  I love making people happy. I love giving people hope.  And, what I love most is, that money doesn't rule my life.  Put me in a studio apartment with the love of my life and helping eachother fulfill our dreams.... and I'd be in heaven.  What's left is, finding someone who shares that vision of heaven. 

Love is ironic, isn't it?  It can kill you and it can save you.  I'm glad I'm finally on the saving end.

Until tomorrow...

Thirties

There's just something about the thirties
Makes me too flirty
I declare! Those light lines
Tracing around places, mighty fine
To say the least! Those hips
Are so hip and don't get me started on her lips!
Yep! In the thirties is where I always wanted to be
But now I realize it was never about me!

Dear Ma'am,

At the door,  so very sure
upon my right hand pulling the handle
my left would lay upon your back,
guiding you through, perfectly
it would feel, still that might send
you running for the hills.

Like a fool, I stood there
with not much cool, allowing you
to pull that damn door, feeling like a laborious chore
But still, what could I do?

Give me a sign, step to the side
letting me pull, I will gladly
Only if I knew, it was the right
thing to do! Don't laugh at me...
I tell you, this is true!

Until next time, my dear.

Incessantly

My spine, a highway traffic jam
carrying the thoughts of you
in a current of chills
exploding outwardly, penetrating like
a melting ice cube, dropped
down an unsuspecting shirt.

All Whys Don't Need Answering

Like a motor coach, you came
and left without a why to blame.

Before you, I knew nothing
nothing at all.

Left alone with my own whys to answer
my heart broke low and slow behind the mirror.

Before you, I knew nothing
nothing at all.

I laugh about it now, cause since your return
your whys and mine, together they burn.

(Ha! I still don't know nothing, nothing at all.)

reflection

I tried to write when I got home from registering from classes. Right when I walked in the door, I was able to talk to a friend who helped me to feel better. (less scared)  I read poetry and did a journal entry.  My emotions are deep and plentiful.  Sometimes, when I'm feeling too much it's hard to focus.  Maybe tomorrow I can sift through it all and find the words for something.

I'm  kinda perturbed at my College. They "save" most of the classes that I need for the incoming teen freshman.  So, what I needed to take to satisfy my freshman classes were not available. My fault for not doing this 24 years ago I s'pose.  I ended up with 2 writing intensive classes, (Philosophy and Gender, and Intro to Peace and Conflict) and a class that's supposed to spur a lot of class interaction and discussion (Theory in Criminal Justice).  That outta really get me out of my comfort zone!  I'm sticking with just 12 credit hours to get me started back again.  I'm excited, and I'm scared shitless!  I'm not sure if I'm up to this or not.  Time will tell.

Today is my mother's birthday.  It's days like today that I'm sad we can't be in each others lives.  I would, but I just can't stand anymore crazy manipulation from a mother who needs me to be her mother.  Just can't do it.  But, Mom... no matter what happened, I love you and am thankful you brought me into the world. (sniff sniff)  happy birthday mom.

Enchanting Curse

Under clouds hanging low, the path beneath her feet
appears neat, at first glance.
With the sun's rays of morning, all glistens with newness
deceiving her with the belief, the next step
is in the right direction. So full of deception
smiles come and go, friend or foe,
like or not isn't the matter, if
alone she walks like scattered dust.

Destiny takes a hand

The last nine weeks have been a whirlwind. After losing my job of 20 years, I have experienced a rainbow of emotions. Of course, shock! Disappointment came next when the truth reared its ugly head, to utter and complete heart break. With all the tears that were shed, I should have lost twenty pounds or more!

After a couple of weeks spent fighting for my job with people who obviously didn't give a shit, (cold hearted cowards)... It hit me! I was no longer in love with my job, (the kids, always) but the job I gave my life to could go to hell!

The tears stopped and my mind started thinking of a new life. Employment opportunities are scarce, I found out. For three days I prayed for an answer. I didn't leave the house, I hardly ate a thing, I slept A LOT... I wasn't depressed, I was in full blown meditation! On the third day on my third sip of coffee, maybe the forth or fifth sip... But, who cares?-- I felt the weirdest force, almost pressing against me and a voice that said, "pull your retirement money and go back to school to finish what you started"!
I sat with that a moment, and my heart lit up!!! Nothing had ever felt so right in all my life!

The rest is kind of a blur. I know I didn't cry again until I discovered the peace and conflict program. I was blown away at the sheer thought I could major in my passion! After that, I felt I was no longer at the reins of my own life. Which of course was okay with me, it's not like I was doing that great of a job at it! This force outside of myself has been guiding and leading me through the entire process of returning to school.
If this is the plan for my life, I just have to trust the money and the details will come together!

I register for classes on Monday! I will be a 42 year old college sophomore... And it couldn't be more perfect!

(maybe someday, I will owe a debt of gratitude to the two imbeciles who let me go.... And I'm happy to say that my desire to punch them in the face is lessening.)


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Snippets

The following are pieces of my thoughts from today. Holding these cards kinda close!
Be safe, y'all!


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On My Radar

A storm warning has been issued.
Increasing chance of
rapidly changing conditions.
Stay tuned for further instruction.


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Anticipation

Perhaps, the covers pulled over
my eyes will comfortably
blind me to the
lucid sun, peaking
through the closed blinds.
Unless it breaks glass, alone
I shall lie.


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APart, With You

Gravely, gravity is my sanctity.
I only mention it cause it
keeps me firmly planted
in this here chair...


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I wonder why...

Why is it that if I don't write everyday (or at least skip no more than a day)... writing feels impossible?  I haven't written since last Thursday, and yesterday while visiting with the family I haven't seen in 25 years (or never met at all), all I could do was think about writing.  Today, the opportunity was finally here.... YAY! But, everything feels forced, hard, stiff.... with the end result being crappier than usual.

I guess I'll just keep writing!  At least I'm accomplishing some great journaling!!!  (And NO!  I won't ever share that.)

Since

No sound, 'cept the  echo of a breath, faintly
                  sighing with the thought
                  of it.

         The sweetness of it lingers on my lips, waiting
         for another taste.

No feeling, 'cept the hardness of this chair, quivering
                  beneath the weight
                  of it.

         The scent of it penetrates my soul, planting
         nourishment for growth, deep within.

No sight, 'cept the face of fate, smiling
                   and longing for all
                   of it.

        I have a hunch, the point of it will not be missed.