An Almost Made Up Poem

(Maybe someday... when I'm not so drunk; I can write a poem like this?)


I see you drinking at a fountain with tiny
blue hands, no, your hands are not tiny
they are small, and the fountain is in France
where you wrote me that last letter and
I answered and never heard from you again.
you used to write insane poems about
ANGELS AND GOD, all in upper case, and you
knew famous artists and most of them
were your lovers, and I wrote back, it’ all right,
go ahead, enter their lives, I’ not jealous
because we’ never met. we got close once in
New Orleans, one half block, but never met, never
touched. so you went with the famous and wrote
about the famous, and, of course, what you found out
is that the famous are worried about
their fame –– not the beautiful young girl in bed
with them, who gives them that, and then awakens
in the morning to write upper case poems about
ANGELS AND GOD. we know God is dead, they’ told
us, but listening to you I wasn’ sure. maybe
it was the upper case. you were one of the
best female poets and I told the publishers,
editors, “ her, print her, she’ mad but she’
magic. there’ no lie in her fire.” I loved you
like a man loves a woman he never touches, only
writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have
loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a
cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom,
but that didn’ happen. your letters got sadder.
your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all
lovers betray. it didn’ help. you said
you had a crying bench and it was by a bridge and
the bridge was over a river and you sat on the crying
bench every night and wept for the lovers who had
hurt and forgotten you. I wrote back but never
heard again. a friend wrote me of your suicide
3 or 4 months after it happened. if I had met you
I would probably have been unfair to you or you
to me. it was best like this.

Charles Bukowski

Waiting

The distance from here to there
Spans a separation like
A trip to that galaxy;
With the name that was born from
Your initials engraved in my
Heart like a brander made of
Fire; Trapped forever-- like time.

The Business of Face Saving

I'm working on finishing up my final project for my conflict resolution strategies class.  I am making what is called a zine with a few of my old poems and poetry art and a brand new poem that I wrote called The Business of Face Saving. A lot of times in conflicts, we're so busy thinking about ourselves, that we don't do what is necessary to end the conflict; thereby making it only worse.  So--I wrote a poem about saving face, and some problems with that...

I Walk the winding streets of winter cold,
My bones wince at the people passing by
Overly concerned with saving face;
Only when forced to confess, of course.

Pulling my pocket around front
To seize a smoke to hide behind
The painted pain draped upon my face;
A headline scrolls across the screen
In the display window, downtown:

It says, "A sea of sympathy floods
Boston Streets, a loss of limb'n life;
Exploded from brothers saving face-
An echo of unchecked rejection;
Saving face, turns deadly yet again."

Sometimes death is silent, like blue skies
Unnoticed, a loaded fist behind
Closed blinds, or a broken heart on a
Saturday night --severed to save your

Own dignity. Saving face instead
Of braking down and stepping up; lock
n'load like The Terminator on the big screen;
Saving face instead of saving me

From a life without you, forever-
more or less.  I'll be waitin' inside
The Ben 'n Jerry's walk-in freezer;
Face saving on ice--creamed like coffee
made weak, falling within and without.

Our Creation

This is my video I made for my human rights class.  It took countless hours.... But, I think my first video turned out ok!!!!  Good night world!  I'm grateful for time.... it has told me what I needed to know; perfect as always.  As Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time!

In a Very Unusual Way

In a very unusual way one time I needed you.
In a very unusual way you were my friend.
Maybe it lasted a day, maybe it lasted an hour.
But, somehow it will never end.

In a very unusual way I think I'm in love with you.
In a very unusual way I want to cry.
Something inside me goes weak,
Something inside me surrenders.
And you're the reason why,
You're the reason why

You don't know what you do to me,

You don't have a clue.
You can't tell what it's like to be me looking at you.
It scares me so, that I can hardly speak.

In a very unusual way, I owe what I am to you.
Though at times it appears I won't stay, I never go.
Special to me in my life,
Since the first day that I met you.
How could I ever forget you,
Once you had touched my soul?
In a very unusual way,
You've made me whole


Thank you Barbra Streisand for the beautiful music! Happy Birthday!!!

The Spring Fling

Thoughts leave

Like the scattering of light

flung

Off the last leaf;

Before night

falls...

Until the shadows rise

Out of lost dreams

sprung

From yesterday's lies;

Tomorrow, I redeem

the fall that waits for winter.

For my friends...

...who read my blog.  Thank you so much for your support!!!!  It means so much!!!  I have 2 projects to do for my classes.  I've decided to try to incorporate poems for both. --(insert big smile here)-- But the pressure is on!!! The last few weeks of school have taken up so much time, I haven't had much time for my personal writing.  After I've submitted my projects for a grade, I'll share them here!  I'll be taking a creative writing class over the summer... I'm hoping that will give me more time for a southern poetaster!!!

I started this blog to give me a creative outlet, because.. well... I had very little opportunity for creativity in my life.  Since I've started school, my creativity has an outlet... but I miss my blog!!!  I miss spending a lazy afternoon with music and poetry.  However... I have never been in a better place in my life!!!  I have met my destiny!!!  It's nice to finally know what I want to be when I grow up!!!  --although, I do hope it involves more writing!!!

Hard Stuff

I'm repeating this as new, cause it's.... relevant again.

The spirits hold me

when it hurts to see,

Drowning

is what I feel

when I’ve gotten a raw deal.

It

doesn’t really matter much

cause there’s no such

thing as having it

All.

The spirits know

when it’s time for me to go

Away.

Dearest Nightmare

Kindly fuck off! Okay... Thanks.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Domestic Partnerships for All

Face the Nation is talking about marriage equality this morning.  The statistics they shared is that the United States is split almost equally down the middle (with a little higher number on the support for gay marriage side).  And the statistics are in even higher support for same sex marriage when only people under 30 are polled.  This issue is highly divisive, as many people are confusing the legalities of "marriage" with religion.

This is my proposal, and I wonder if it will make all sides happy:  The states no longer issue marriage license to anyone; not even to a couple consisting of one man and one woman. The states will only issue a license for domestic partnerships.  The couple (traditional, or same sex) goes to the courthouse and request a domestic partnership license to be afforded the benefits the states offers. That is the extent of the states involvement.  The government is only involved on the business side of the union. 

If a couple wishes a wedding, and a marriage to celebrate their union with their God or without a God... they do that in their churches; defining marriage how they deem appropriate. So, if a couple wishes to define marriage as birthing children, raising those children, and fostering the union between the couple under the laws of Christianity; that's their choice, and is the business of that family, their church and their God.  However, if a man and a woman wish to join together, sharing their life together without having any children and they go to the Buddhist temple every Saturday; they will still be afforded the benefits the state offers to couples in domestic partnerships. --And of course, ditto for same sex couples.

This proposal separates the business side of marriage and the religious definition of marriage.  And then perhaps same sex couples will not be cast as the deviants in a society, and if they choose so, they can legally adopt children, and love those children that no one else wanted to love... and life will go on!  Everyone is treated equally under the eyes of the law; and everyone can define marriage the way they see fit within their religious establishments.  What do you think?

Tuesday's Thought...

If I could be loved as well as I am hated...  I'd be content.

messed up

she stands on the edge of space
holding a tissue full of lies;
time claims its victory, for now

unraveling

beneath the center of blackness,
where nothing begets her
parting ways;

before

delivering gifts of feathers
where we'll soar
over false shadows, but for

today

I'll leave you
like drying paint on native skin
burning in the sun.

until then,

I'll be in the branches,
until you're ready to climb; from
the settling dust.

Be, Do, Embrace, the Different

I find it interesting how, as human beings we are so scared of change.  But, the kind of change we are most afraid of is the kind of change that requires us to do something different.  We pray, hope, dream, wish, (whichever word works for you) for change every single day.
                            "I wish I could have that."
                            "I pray tomorrow will be better."
                            "I hope I find happiness someday."
                            "I dream of the day life is kinder to me."

And yet, when something, (or even someone) comes along that offers a resource to realize those changes... but it means that we have to do something different (change the way we act or think)... we close up tighter than Fort Knox.  We want change, but only if we get to keep living in our same world of denial.  It's a vicious cycle.  How do we grow to understand that in order to get the change we want, we have to do something different?  How do we get ourselves to eagerly embrace changing our point of view, or our way of doing things to foster the change that we are praying, hoping, dreaming, wishing for?  It's interesting how we look at "so and so" and think to ourselves, or HELL! --we might even say it out loud, "Look how happy they are! I wish I could be like them!"  But, we usually don't do what it is they do to be or do what they do. (wait... did that make sense???  HA!)  In other words, we just keep doing the same ol' shit over and over again... Why?  Because "My way is the best way! And if the universe really liked me, it would give me what I want because I want it without having to leave my comfort zone, DAMMIT!!!"  Albert Einstein said my most favorite quote of all time.  He said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results."

"We have to be the change we want to see in the world."  Yea, that doesn't mean exactly what I'm saying here, but it's still true.  If you like your life the way it is, keep on keepin' on.  But, if you find yourself lost in a state of perpetual hope for something different, then you gotta be different, do different, embrace different.  Stop bitchin' and change it up; it's as simple as that. -- I know what you're thinking. Since I'm on a quote roll, "it's easier said than done."  Yea, I get that, I'm living that right this second.  I said it for years (My wish, dream, hope, prayers to "save" the world --well, not really save the world, that's a different story for a different post. But, if you're a regular southern poetaster reader, you kinda know what I mean), but now I'm doing it!  And you know what?  I'm probably going to spend less time doing it than I spent saying it.  You just have to get started!  Now is as good a time as any!

Deafness

Wars break out,
I am convinced
when we do more talking
or shooting, or bombing, or blasting, or one upping
than listening...

How can anyone possibly hear a thing through all of the explosions???

Hard Cider

Too strong, for apple pie
and hard to swallow with its
bitter rush.  It hits
below the belt with a lie

of being something it never was
s'pose to be. But hell, I don't care
cause I wouldn't dare
miss this amazin' buzz....



                                                 for a minute.

It only takes one YES to erase a million No's!

Thoughts on the loose
won't wash down,
with even such things
as apple juice.
This is as lame
as Mother Goose,
I know;

but still, 
my thoughts won't.

Which wish I'll dream tonight
I've yet to weave;
But a heap of hope
will see me through...
Like a bit of blue sky
through clouds of rain.

G'nite moon and to you too.

the right to.... ?

I have been assigned to a debate on gun control in my human rights class.  I was given the pro side of government gun control.  I am working on my opening statement.  How does this sound?

We have seen, as American people that our precious, sacred constitution of these United States often times needs amending or ratifying to change with our ever changing morals and beliefs and to protect those who cannot protect themselves.  The original constitution did not create ALL men equal.  It declared all white men to be equal --leaving everyone else as a "lesser than."  All black men are created as equal as all white men.  All women are created as equal as all men.  We know this to be true that no document can be created that places the value of ones life above another; or one right above another.  The second amendment gives all the right to bear arms.  The first amendment gives to each and everyone of us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Are we morally justified in supporting a document without amendments that puts more value on one particular right over another?  Are we morally justified to not hold all men accountable for the disgrace of a few?  Can we as a nation continue to allow one group of people to monopolize the rights of another?   The right to life.  So many souls around the globe have fought and died for this right.  Is the right to life any less valuable than the right to bear arms?

The 'Children's Defense Fund,' an NGO protecting the human rights of children filed a report on January 3, 2013.  It stated that more children and teens have died from guns every three days than died that horrible day since the Shady Hook massacre. One child or teen dies at the hands of a gun every three hours in the United States.

The report also stated that between 1979 and 2010; 119,079 children and teens have died from guns.  This is more child and teen deaths in 32 years then U.S. soldiers killed in action in the Vietnam, Korean, Afghanistan, and Iraq wars combined.

Between the years of 2000 and 2010, a total of 332,014 people of all ages have died from guns.  That is more people than the entire population of almost any county in any state!

Are we morally justified in not being held accountable for these deaths simply because the 2nd amendment states that we have a right to bear arms?  What about the right to life?

mental note

I want to feel drunk
           beneath the whispers
           of what wasn't or is, even--
           from the words she said,
but never meant...

                                                             I feel you, forever

too tired to write... but

So. I ended up in the ER last week.  Docs thought I was stroking.  I knew I wasn't though, but... what do I know?  Anyway, realized that I can't ignore my high blood pressure any longer.  I've tried all I know to lower it without meds.  Lost weight. Quit smoking.  Went vegan. blah blah blah -- But, nothing worked.  Reminds me of love, kinda. So, I allowed myself to be on meds, despite my fear.  BUT... I got a new tat!!!  Wow... have I needed that.  I've needed everything about it, for so long.  That secret "sting" under my sleeve has been awesome, but now it's gone.  Time for another, perhaps?  Anyway...  After a horrendous day, these words were floatin' around my head on the way home...

The last tear dropped
from a heart torn new; yet
to her I say, I love you still.

I think I'll work this tomorrow.... yea, there's always tomorrow...

Reflection

I wanted to share this on my blog.  I wrote this for my conflict resolution class.  It is a reflection on my conflict style. It is the first "creative" piece I've been allowed to write in college so far.  I really had fun with it!  By the way... I received a 96!  :)

At Conflict With Conflict

Conflict is an issue that I have felt passionate about for a very long time.  Until I started my studies in peace and conflict at Guilford College, I thought that if I could just teach people how to respect and value one another, that I could eradicate conflict all together.  Boy was I wrong!!!  I suppose that was just wishful thinking, as I AM NOT a fan of conflict.  In my mind, I have always thought that the way to resolve differing issues (not conflict, which used to be a dirty word) was to be a soft negotiator. “Instead of seeing the other as adversaries, [I] prefer to see them as friends.  Rather than emphasizing a goal of victory, [I] emphasize the necessity of reaching agreement.” (Getting To Yes, Pages 8–9)  To me, the people who ranted and presented general chaos coming at an issue with bullhorns were just assholes, not interested in resolution at all.  That may be true to some extent, but not always, as I have learned.

HELLCAT

Ready for combat

Slingin’ your words

For me to swallow

Like slick pie.

Sorry, but

I ain’t your fall guy,

Don’t bring it to me

Cause you see

The point of a spat

Is not to skew

Me to you

But allow me to be

Despite the blat!

I wrote that poem about five years ago after an argument with a group of friends who I thought, viewed the world and all of the wonderful things and all of the bullshit that comes with inhabiting this beautiful planet the same way I do.  Growing up, I thought it was only my mother who did not always mean what she said; or always said what she meant! But the conflict that ensued within this group of friends taught me that most people suffer from this affliction, including myself.

According to the Style Matters Conflict Inventory I took online, as per the requirement for this paper, I learned that in a conflict when the emotional intensity has not risen, and things are still rather calm, my conflict style is “cooperating” with a score of an eleven.  Interesting though, there was a three way tie for second, with “harmonizing,” “avoiding,” and “compromising” with a score of 10.  The last on the list of what I am likely to use in the calm stage of a conflict is “directing,” with a score of a 5.  When things have risen in intensity, the changes were slight.  My number one method of dealing with conflict when tensions are high is “avoiding” with a score of 12.  There was a two way tie for second with “harmonizing,” and “compromising” with a score of 10.  Lastly, I scored a 9 in “cooperating” and again, a 5 in “directing.”  But really, the numbers between calm and storm are not all that distant. And, the numbers are so close together in both categories, I am likely to reach for any of the methods for resolving conflict except for “directing,” where I received a score of 5 on both the calm and the storm section.

So, this leads me to think about why I avoid conflict sometimes and why I become invested in cooperation and harmonizing at other times.  I tend to be attracted to passionate people.  There is nothing better than feeling the energy exuding from a person in the midst of passion.  But with passionate people, comes passionate dialog, passionate emotions, and passionate EVERYTHING!  I tend to be rather subdued and laid back.  An angry, passionate person behaves much differently than an angry, relaxed person, and often times… No!  --most of the time, these conflict styles DO NOT mesh!  So, what is a laid back, just chillin’ girl such as myself to do?  Funny you should ask!  It has been a long road to get to this realization, “being chill ALL OF THE TIME DOES NOT WORK!!!” 

 My favorite poet, Maya Angelou said it best.  She said, "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back." Sometimes, you have to put your foot down, set boundaries, and speak up!  Otherwise, people will walk all over you.  I have been in this conflict resolution class for three weeks now, and I have already learned so much.  I am quite certain that my life will be greatly improved, as it has already improved a bit.

I really do want to harmonize with others, and foster it in others as well.  My first inclination is to try to enable others to cooperate and compromise with each other.  Like that old Coke commercial from the 1970s with the lyrics, “I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.”  Harmony is best, of course; but not always possible, unfortunately.   I tend to use the conflict style of avoiding at that precise moment when I “feel” that this is a conflict that is not going to get any resolution.  When I get the sense that I am just going to be someone’s punching bag (or I was the punching bag), or the person or people are not in a rational frame of mind, my inclination is to get the hell out!!!  --and I usually do.

Imagine a big room with chipped paint walls, and the smell of strong coffee bouncing all around in a haze of smoke with a big circle of chairs around one half of the room and a table with stale doughnuts and partially smoked cigarettes in the other half.  Each person rises, in turn to introduce themselves until it is my turn where I say, “Hi, my name is G **** and I am a…”  No, not an alcoholic; but “wuss when it comes to conflict.”  That is pretty much where I stand when it comes to my own personal conflict; often times feeling as if I am a victim of circumstance.  There should be a support group for that, right? But through the last three weeks of this class, I have already learned that I am not a victim in my own personal conflict. Through the Mindfulness Handout: Taking Hold of Your Mind we received in class, I learned that I need to use more of my rational mind and a little less of my emotional mind in a stressful, conflictual situation.  If I use the techniques presented in that handout, I can become less emotional in a conflict, allowing my wise mind to be my ally.  This will help me to not feed into the storm that is before me, or to allow it into my “personal space.”  This will allow me to free my thoughts so that I can gain access to the other four conflict styles other than avoiding; cooperating, harmonizing, compromising and directing, that could assist me in the conflict at hand.  If I trained myself to use ALL of the conflict styles rather than running away mentally and/or physically, I can “direct” the conflict a little more by stating my needs and reinforcing my boundaries so I do not end up feeling battered and abused (even if the feeling battered and abused is only in my own head and not a reality).  This in turn, will help me to stay present in the moment and to work toward some sort of resolution.

All of this certainly seems to point out, with the sharpness of a dunce cap that I have A LOT to learn about conflict resolution!  What I thought I knew to be true about conflict was not even remotely close to the truth; well, except for the fact that a lot of the conflict that ensues, not only in my own life but all conflict could be avoided if we all learned how to communicate with one another! By the word communicate, I largely mean we must learn to L-I-S-T-E-N to one another!  That is the large piece of communication that many of us are missing.  We are usually so busy trying to be heard, that we ourselves do not hear much of anything outside of our own thoughts.  When we have two people in a conflict doing this… there’s not a whole lot of communicating going on.

Conflict can be bad, but it can also be good when there is appropriate communication (say what you mean, mean what you say, and listen), mutual respect (by respect I do not mean you have to like each other or even agree with each other, but you do have to respect the other person’s opinion), and the desire to reach a resolution by all parties involved in the conflict. At the beginning of this paper I said that I thought if I could just teach people how to respect and value one another, that I could eradicate conflict all together.  That goal is not realistic; however, if I could teach people how to respect and value one another, I could eradicate dysfunctional conflict, perhaps.  The road to get there is long and winding indeed; but this class is an awesome first step in that journey; but, no pressure Daniel and Jeremy!   --Peace Out!