mental note

I want to feel drunk
           beneath the whispers
           of what wasn't or is, even--
           from the words she said,
but never meant...

                                                             I feel you, forever

too tired to write... but

So. I ended up in the ER last week.  Docs thought I was stroking.  I knew I wasn't though, but... what do I know?  Anyway, realized that I can't ignore my high blood pressure any longer.  I've tried all I know to lower it without meds.  Lost weight. Quit smoking.  Went vegan. blah blah blah -- But, nothing worked.  Reminds me of love, kinda. So, I allowed myself to be on meds, despite my fear.  BUT... I got a new tat!!!  Wow... have I needed that.  I've needed everything about it, for so long.  That secret "sting" under my sleeve has been awesome, but now it's gone.  Time for another, perhaps?  Anyway...  After a horrendous day, these words were floatin' around my head on the way home...

The last tear dropped
from a heart torn new; yet
to her I say, I love you still.

I think I'll work this tomorrow.... yea, there's always tomorrow...

Reflection

I wanted to share this on my blog.  I wrote this for my conflict resolution class.  It is a reflection on my conflict style. It is the first "creative" piece I've been allowed to write in college so far.  I really had fun with it!  By the way... I received a 96!  :)

At Conflict With Conflict

Conflict is an issue that I have felt passionate about for a very long time.  Until I started my studies in peace and conflict at Guilford College, I thought that if I could just teach people how to respect and value one another, that I could eradicate conflict all together.  Boy was I wrong!!!  I suppose that was just wishful thinking, as I AM NOT a fan of conflict.  In my mind, I have always thought that the way to resolve differing issues (not conflict, which used to be a dirty word) was to be a soft negotiator. “Instead of seeing the other as adversaries, [I] prefer to see them as friends.  Rather than emphasizing a goal of victory, [I] emphasize the necessity of reaching agreement.” (Getting To Yes, Pages 8–9)  To me, the people who ranted and presented general chaos coming at an issue with bullhorns were just assholes, not interested in resolution at all.  That may be true to some extent, but not always, as I have learned.

HELLCAT

Ready for combat

Slingin’ your words

For me to swallow

Like slick pie.

Sorry, but

I ain’t your fall guy,

Don’t bring it to me

Cause you see

The point of a spat

Is not to skew

Me to you

But allow me to be

Despite the blat!

I wrote that poem about five years ago after an argument with a group of friends who I thought, viewed the world and all of the wonderful things and all of the bullshit that comes with inhabiting this beautiful planet the same way I do.  Growing up, I thought it was only my mother who did not always mean what she said; or always said what she meant! But the conflict that ensued within this group of friends taught me that most people suffer from this affliction, including myself.

According to the Style Matters Conflict Inventory I took online, as per the requirement for this paper, I learned that in a conflict when the emotional intensity has not risen, and things are still rather calm, my conflict style is “cooperating” with a score of an eleven.  Interesting though, there was a three way tie for second, with “harmonizing,” “avoiding,” and “compromising” with a score of 10.  The last on the list of what I am likely to use in the calm stage of a conflict is “directing,” with a score of a 5.  When things have risen in intensity, the changes were slight.  My number one method of dealing with conflict when tensions are high is “avoiding” with a score of 12.  There was a two way tie for second with “harmonizing,” and “compromising” with a score of 10.  Lastly, I scored a 9 in “cooperating” and again, a 5 in “directing.”  But really, the numbers between calm and storm are not all that distant. And, the numbers are so close together in both categories, I am likely to reach for any of the methods for resolving conflict except for “directing,” where I received a score of 5 on both the calm and the storm section.

So, this leads me to think about why I avoid conflict sometimes and why I become invested in cooperation and harmonizing at other times.  I tend to be attracted to passionate people.  There is nothing better than feeling the energy exuding from a person in the midst of passion.  But with passionate people, comes passionate dialog, passionate emotions, and passionate EVERYTHING!  I tend to be rather subdued and laid back.  An angry, passionate person behaves much differently than an angry, relaxed person, and often times… No!  --most of the time, these conflict styles DO NOT mesh!  So, what is a laid back, just chillin’ girl such as myself to do?  Funny you should ask!  It has been a long road to get to this realization, “being chill ALL OF THE TIME DOES NOT WORK!!!” 

 My favorite poet, Maya Angelou said it best.  She said, "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back." Sometimes, you have to put your foot down, set boundaries, and speak up!  Otherwise, people will walk all over you.  I have been in this conflict resolution class for three weeks now, and I have already learned so much.  I am quite certain that my life will be greatly improved, as it has already improved a bit.

I really do want to harmonize with others, and foster it in others as well.  My first inclination is to try to enable others to cooperate and compromise with each other.  Like that old Coke commercial from the 1970s with the lyrics, “I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.”  Harmony is best, of course; but not always possible, unfortunately.   I tend to use the conflict style of avoiding at that precise moment when I “feel” that this is a conflict that is not going to get any resolution.  When I get the sense that I am just going to be someone’s punching bag (or I was the punching bag), or the person or people are not in a rational frame of mind, my inclination is to get the hell out!!!  --and I usually do.

Imagine a big room with chipped paint walls, and the smell of strong coffee bouncing all around in a haze of smoke with a big circle of chairs around one half of the room and a table with stale doughnuts and partially smoked cigarettes in the other half.  Each person rises, in turn to introduce themselves until it is my turn where I say, “Hi, my name is G **** and I am a…”  No, not an alcoholic; but “wuss when it comes to conflict.”  That is pretty much where I stand when it comes to my own personal conflict; often times feeling as if I am a victim of circumstance.  There should be a support group for that, right? But through the last three weeks of this class, I have already learned that I am not a victim in my own personal conflict. Through the Mindfulness Handout: Taking Hold of Your Mind we received in class, I learned that I need to use more of my rational mind and a little less of my emotional mind in a stressful, conflictual situation.  If I use the techniques presented in that handout, I can become less emotional in a conflict, allowing my wise mind to be my ally.  This will help me to not feed into the storm that is before me, or to allow it into my “personal space.”  This will allow me to free my thoughts so that I can gain access to the other four conflict styles other than avoiding; cooperating, harmonizing, compromising and directing, that could assist me in the conflict at hand.  If I trained myself to use ALL of the conflict styles rather than running away mentally and/or physically, I can “direct” the conflict a little more by stating my needs and reinforcing my boundaries so I do not end up feeling battered and abused (even if the feeling battered and abused is only in my own head and not a reality).  This in turn, will help me to stay present in the moment and to work toward some sort of resolution.

All of this certainly seems to point out, with the sharpness of a dunce cap that I have A LOT to learn about conflict resolution!  What I thought I knew to be true about conflict was not even remotely close to the truth; well, except for the fact that a lot of the conflict that ensues, not only in my own life but all conflict could be avoided if we all learned how to communicate with one another! By the word communicate, I largely mean we must learn to L-I-S-T-E-N to one another!  That is the large piece of communication that many of us are missing.  We are usually so busy trying to be heard, that we ourselves do not hear much of anything outside of our own thoughts.  When we have two people in a conflict doing this… there’s not a whole lot of communicating going on.

Conflict can be bad, but it can also be good when there is appropriate communication (say what you mean, mean what you say, and listen), mutual respect (by respect I do not mean you have to like each other or even agree with each other, but you do have to respect the other person’s opinion), and the desire to reach a resolution by all parties involved in the conflict. At the beginning of this paper I said that I thought if I could just teach people how to respect and value one another, that I could eradicate conflict all together.  That goal is not realistic; however, if I could teach people how to respect and value one another, I could eradicate dysfunctional conflict, perhaps.  The road to get there is long and winding indeed; but this class is an awesome first step in that journey; but, no pressure Daniel and Jeremy!   --Peace Out!

Can you see my grin?

I'm sure you can! I'm typing from my brand new iPad mini..... And it is awesome. I think I'm in love!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

No Matter

I want to go back to my younger self, and talk some sense into her... ya know, tell her the way it is.  How so much time can be and is wasted on what could have been, or on what should have been... or even, what is.  There's a harsh truth to face, there's no way you can make it alone.  But, how do you trust another when you're afraid...?  When it seems people are only interested in their own agenda's... and nothing you can ever do, will make a difference.  But then, I always remember that pesky thing, that thing that screws me and saves me all in one... Hope....a good thing, the best of things... and no good thing ever dies. ----- I hope.

over. it.

Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe where I am.  My response?  I'm gonna get shitfaced! It doesn't happen very often... document this one folks!  See ya on the other side!

Second Hand

.....Tiny thoughts spin with the force of a web;
incredibly -- unavoidably -- secretly.....

When I sway to crazy

The clock ticks, like tooth decay

Over the course of a year, yet...

That ain't the worst of it;

                                          In her arms, I am home.